Ep. 92 Why change is messy with Julia Samuel MBE

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This week I’m joined by Julia Samuel MBE, who is one of the UK’s leading psychotherapists, specialising in grief and loss. You may already know Julia from her brilliant book ‘Grief Works’ and through her work as Founder Patron of Child Bereavement UK, which teaches authorities how to support families to rebuild their lives after loss.

We had a beautiful conversation about transition and change. We talk about the change of becoming a mother, which is far more complex and challenging than ever before. We also talk about the constant change of family dynamics and how we can use these moments of transition to help us grow. 

Julia’s new book ‘This Too Shall Pass - Stories of Change, Crisis and Hopeful Beginnings’ is released in March and is all about the challenge and power of dealing with change.

I really enjoyed our conversation - it’s such a privilege to sit with people like Julia who are doing such profound work in the world. My focus right now is trying to reach more mums and parents with the podcast – if this episode resonates with you, I’d love it if you could share it with a friend or loved one.

You can download a transcript of this week’s episode here.

As always, we continue the conversation over on Instagram, so once you’ve listened to the episode, come and join me there.

Key Takeaways From This Week’s Episode:

Why Change is Difficult:

• Julia thinks that some people embrace change, but many people do not. (05:51)

• There is a big difference between an imposed change and a developmental change. (05:57)

• In the 21st century, people seek the safety of familiarity even if it can turn toxic. (06:36)

• Change pushes you out of your comfort zone and tests your sense of identity. (06:58)

• We have preconceived notions of what a mother is, but the reality is very different. Picture-perfect images of mothering influence mothers at a time of enormous psychological and social change. (07:17)

• On the other hand, we also have more psychological support now than before to manage the changes that come with motherhood. (08:16)

What is the Essence?

• You can’t fight it, fix it, or will it to be different. Any attempt to do so would only get you stuck. (09:02)

• Those who do not let change change them will have more difficulty and less joy in life.  (09:16)

• Evolution wired us to adapt. Our fear of change stops us from doing what we are naturally built to do. (09:31)

Transitioning to Motherhood:

• Our dreams of motherhood are always full of glitters. But the reality is motherhood robs you of almost everything you had and enjoyed before. (10:18)

• We carry our past with us silently. But a shift as huge as parenthood will trigger our past experiences. (11:53)

• Pain triggers change, but no one wants to feel the discomfort of it. (12:31)

What to Do When in Pain:

• Remember that it changes. (13:47)

• Pain is like a big wave. It peaks and recedes. Until then, all you have to do is to breathe and let it run through your system. (14:03)

• Squashing and stomping down your pain will only make it come back with greater force. (14:23)

• You can't block pain without blocking your capacity to feel joy. (14:31)

Julia’s Transition to Motherhood:

• Julia was 21 when she had her daughter, and she didn’t know what she was doing. (15:44)

• She was functioning well, and she loved her children. But she was living in a narrow world, trying to avoid pain. (15:58)

• She didn’t want to give up work, which left injuries on her children. (16:30)

• She became a better mum when she started training as a therapist. (16:46)

• She and her children talk about their past pains, and they have forgiven her. (17:09)

Functional vs Dysfunctional Family:

• The cornerstone of a functional relationship is knowing your family is on your side. (17:49)

• One of the biggest problems in families is the territory of love. (18:06)

• A functional family communicates through difficult things and repairs them through honesty. (18:16)

• Dysfunctional families fight over the same things for decades. No one takes responsibility, and they pretend everything is okay. (18:47)

• Having healthy arguments with your family brings you closer to them and makes you love them more. (19:23)

• As a parent, you hold the responsibility to acknowledge your mistakes and initiate the repair. (20:14)

Projecting onto Our Children:

• It’s normal to have hopes and dreams for our children. But when you impose your failed hopes and dreams on them, then you're reducing them. (22:40)

• Parents should strike a balance between upholding their value system and believing in their children’s potential. (23:06)

Building Resilience in Our Children:

• Life will always give us challenges. Resilience is like a flexible muscle or a trampoline inside you. It allows you to feel and express the pain while also finding a way of living with it and bouncing back. (23:44)

Lucas’s Story:

• Lucas is a modern dad. He is in a relationship with an older partner, and it took them three years to have a baby. The years of infertility wore and tore at their relationship. (26:47)

• When they had a baby, he had lots of conflicting feelings. He didn’t want to parent the kid the way his parents parented him. (27:09)

• He wanted to be an authentic and involved dad, but his partner wanted him to work harder and earn more. (27:56)

• Julia talked him through it to empower him. The lesson is to allow yourself to explore the pain of change. Eventually, it will integrate in your system. (28:42)

Easing Your Way Through Motherhood:

• Acknowledge that it is tough. (29:52)

• Know that you have power over yourself, but you don't have power over everything around you. (30:27)

• Live one day at a time. (30:50)

• Be self-compassionate. Recognise that parenting is messy, not perfect. (32:13)

• Remember that love and connection are what we need most to survive. (34:06)

• Be realistic about your social media connections. (35:00)

• “The one” or “your other half” isn’t going to make you whole. You make the relationship work. (37:09)

• Have a growth mindset with your partner that you’re going to make it work. (40:21)

• Grow and change together with your partner. (41:26)

Julia’s Takeaway Messages:

• Do the work. Take responsibility. Learn. (42:18)

• Give your relationships the time and effort they deserve, including your relationship with yourself. (42:52)

• Be kind to yourself. Know that we will always make mistakes, but we have to change to repair it. (43:03)

• Feel the fear of growth and change, and be happier. (44:28)

About Julia

Julia Samuel MBE is one of the leading psychotherapists in the UK. She specialises in grief and loss. As Founder Patron of Child Bereavement UK, she teaches authorities how to support families suffering from loss. She is also the author of the bestselling book ‘Grief Works.’ Her latest book is ‘This Too Shall Pass: Stories of Change, Crisis, and Hopeful Beginnings’ and is released in March.

To find out more about Julia’s brilliant work, head over to her website or visit Child Bereavement UK’s website. You can also connect with her on Facebook and Instagram.