Re-Release - Conscious parenting with Dr. Shefali Tsabary

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We’ve got another fantastic re-release for you this week. My interview with Dr. Shefali Tsabary was a really important moment for me on the podcast, having been a huge fan of her work for years.

Oprah described Dr. Shefali as the world’s most profound parenting coach – calling her work ‘so profound her ideas might just change the world’.

Dr. Shefali’s book, ‘The Conscious Parent’ is my absolute favourite parenting book and it made a real impact on me whilst I was pregnant with Jesse.

In this episode, we talk about what conscious parenting is and how it can become a gateway to learn more about ourselves. We also talk about the difference between control and connection, as well as the pressure we put on ourselves as parents.

I really hope you enjoy the episode and, as always, the conversation continues over on Instagram so do come and join us there.

You can download a transcript of this week’s episode here.

Key takeaway’s from this week’s episode:

What Is a Conscious Parent?

  • Dr. Shefali defines a conscious parent as ‘one who is intentional about moving away from the traditional paradigm of parenting’. Traditional parenting is typically hierarchical, and children are seen as extensions of ourselves. (05:43)

  • A conscious parent views their children as autonomous beings who need guidance, assurance and safety. They acknowledge that children have the sacred task to awaken them. (06:23)

Why Parents Resist Conscious Parenting:

  • The idea is new and different. (07:18)

  • Parents are scared to take accountability due to self-righteousness and defensiveness. (07:22)

  • Due to the traditional way of parenting, parents are instilled to control instead of connect. (08:33)

Defining Control:

  • There is a difference between caring and controlling. Sometimes, caring becomes controlling. (10:07)

  • A controlling parent may have a misunderstanding of what proper caregiving and safekeeping is. (10:15)

  • When parents are self-aware and attuned to themselves, they can understand how caring can become control. Parents can have a clearer boundary between the two. (11:17)

The Desire to Control Children:

  • Dr. Shefali shares two reasons why parents tend to control their children.

  • First, we’ve been culturally indoctrinated to think that our children are ours. There are no boundaries. (11:50)

  • There is an unconscious desire to treat our children as subordinates. (12:43)

  • The second reason is due to how parents today grew up with a lack of sovereign voice. (13:06)

Understanding Your Own Suffering:

  • Dr. Shefali relates Elisabeth Kubler Ross’s five stages of grief to the process of realising your suffering. (15:59)

  • Awakening yourself from subjugation, blind obedience and ignorance is not an easy process. However, it is the most important process you should go through. (17:30)

  • It is about creating a new path that diverges from double standards and seeks your authentic voice. (18:00)

  • You have to ask yourself, ‘What is true for me’? (18:32)

Dr. Shefali’s Parenting Journey:

  • Dr. Shefali realised how spiritually and emotionally unprepared she was when she had her child. (22:28)

  • Having a child opened her eyes to unresolved personal issues. It led her to have more compassion for herself. (22:58)

Traditional Parenting vs Conscious Parenting:

  • Traditional parents are used to fixing their own triggers and solving their problems by controlling their child. (24:06)

  • Traditional parenting views the child at fault. (24:22)

  • Conscious parenting looks into the parent’s mental state, past experiences, unmet needs and emotional baggage. (24:30)

How to Avoid Feeling Overwhelmed as a Parent:

  • Some parents get overwhelmed because of the pressure to raise ‘perfect’ and well-rounded children. This is unnecessary pressure. (26:36)

  • You can avoid this pressure by managing expectations that may overlap with what you want your children to be. (28:41)

  • Stop fantasising about what your child could be. (30:03)

  • Align your choices with your child's temperament, your finances and the family’s culture. Do not pressure yourself to achieve things that may be impractical. (30:07) 

  • Drop your own idea of a well-rounded child. Instead, meet your child where they are and help them manage who they are. (31:35)

The Risk in Labelling Your Children:

  • Praise and validation can pressure children and put them in a box. It limits them and sets expectations. (35:05)

  • Some labels can make children feel unworthy, stupid and castigated. It is usually these negative things that they carry with them until they get older. (35:53)

  • Mindlessly labelling children can be a mischaracterisation of what’s really happening. (36:31)

  • Look at bad behaviour as a cry for help or an opportunity to understand the child further. (37:16)

Managing Your Worries:

  • Worrying can bring about stagnation and hinder you from enjoying the present. (40:11)

  • It is best to understand that pain and failure are inevitable. They are part of life. (40:40)

  • As parents, instead of worrying, focus on the idea that you can help yourself and your kids. (41:13)

Letting Your Child Learn From Pain:

  • When we try to avoid pain, what we’re really telling our children is not to live. (41:52)

  • Pain is a beautiful shattering of the heart. It brings us wisdom. (42:05)

  • For Dr. Shefali, pain and mishap opened her heart to have empathy. (43:51)

  • There are no winners in conscious parenting. Instead, we become more humble, empathic, loving and authentic. It is about awakening our hearts. (44:39)

Resources mentioned in this episode:

About Dr. Shefali

Dr. Shefali Tsabary is an author, international speaker and a clinical psychologist specialising in the integration of Eastern and Western philosophies. She is the author of three best-selling parenting books: The Conscious Parent, Out Of Control and The Awakened Family.

She is known as Oprah’s favourite parenting teacher, calling her the world’s most profound parenting coach. Dr. Shefali continues to share her knowledge and passion for conscious parenting through workshops, courses and personal coaching.

Get to know more about Dr. Shefali through her website. You can also find her on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Youtube.

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