Ep. 120 - How addiction gets passed down the generations with Josh Connolly
[soundcloud url="https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/923651599" params="color=#ff5500&auto_play=false&hide_related=false&show_comments=true&show_user=true&show_reposts=false&show_teaser=true" width="100%" height="166" iframe="true" /]
This week, I’m speaking with Josh Connolly. Josh is a coach, a speaker and one of the UK’s most influential advocates for mental health. He is the child of an addict and an addict in recovery himself.
Josh is also a dad of four and in this episode, we really unpack how dysfunction, trauma and addiction get passed down through the generations. We speak about how we can help people we know who struggle with addiction and how we can help ourselves if we struggle with addiction and the tendency to avoid our feelings.
Josh also speaks passionately about how positive thinking and spiritual bypassing can be dangerous – and why this seems to be so prevalent in the wellbeing space at the moment.
I really loved our conversation – I’m really passionate about this topic and I hope you find it helpful. As always, we continue the conversation over on Instagram, so come and join us there.
You can download a transcript of this week’s episode here.
Key takeaway’s from this week’s episode:
Josh’s Story:
-
With the help of The National Association of Children of Alcoholics, Josh started to piece together how his difficult childhood affected his perceptions and behaviours as an adult. (06:52)
-
He grew up with a violent, angry and chaotic father, and he would always see him intoxicated. (07:32)
-
After understanding how his childhood experiences have influenced him, he decided to reshape those experiences into meaningful ones and start his journey towards healing. (08:00)
Unpacking His Childhood:
-
Josh recounts the time he became suicidal. His suicidal phase led him to work on himself internally and unpack his childhood. (10:20)
-
He learned to be more upfront about how he feels, especially when it comes to growing up with an alcoholic parent. (11:25)
-
His first step was to find a psychologically safe space where he can voice out his thoughts and feelings without judgement. (11:50)
Dealing with a Father with Alcohol Addiction:
-
As a child, Josh handled the fear and pain by abandoning himself. (13:31)
-
He used to make the people around him happy at the expense of him not expressing how he feels. (14:23)
-
Despite being surrounded by many people, he still felt lonely because he wasn’t able to share his real self to others. (15:09)
The Work of a Parent:
-
We don’t want to pass down our internal issues to another generation. Self-healing work is the best thing you can do for your children. (17:06)
-
Parenting books can sometimes go against the bodily signs and instincts of a parent. (18:19)
-
We must teach our children that all feelings are welcome. Addiction and dysfunction are rooted in pushing feelings away. (19:50)
Talking About Addiction:
-
According to Gabor Maté, addiction is a temporary relief or escape that causes adverse effects in the long run. (20:49)
-
The way a parent suppresses emotions has a subtle effect on children. This is how trauma gets passed on to children. (21:58)
-
Children can see what you’re doing and pick it up even if you lie about it. (24:21)
Correcting Parenting Mistakes:
-
Josh tries to anchor himself on self-compassion. (28:16)
-
It starts when you accept and work on your personal and internal problems. (29:11)
-
You need to be conscious of the apathy in yourself so that you don’t pass it on to your children. (30:02)
Becoming Sober:
-
The real work starts when you stop escaping through addictive behaviours and start acknowledging your feelings. (32:13)
-
Doing charitable things helped Josh. (33:37)
-
You can have a healthy relationship with alcohol. However, if you use it as a coping mechanism, then it’s an addiction you should quit. (34:51)
-
Be aware of spiritual bypassing and toxic positivity. It can limit you from fully opening up to yourself. (35:47)
Josh’s Healthy Routines:
-
In the evening, Josh gives himself half an hour to wind down and reflect. (37:34)
-
In the morning, Josh does mindfulness check-ins. (37:47)
-
He also has a self-compassion routine where he looks himself in the eye through a mirror. (37:58)
-
Having a circle of people he can trust and speak to has a positive impact on Josh. He values genuine connections. (38:50)
Problematic Positivity:
-
It can mask how we genuinely feel. (42:20)
-
Positive thinking won’t heal trauma if you don’t dive deep into the negative emotions. (43:00)
-
Positive mental and emotional health comes from the ability to explore your range of emotions in its rawest and darkest form. (43:46)
-
We don’t have to feel good all the time. It’s okay to feel sad. (44:09)
-
Good mental health doesn’t come from staying positive and avoiding emotions. We need to hold space for both positive and negative emotions for ourselves and others. (46:42)
How to Raise Mentally Healthy Children:
-
Work on yourself. (49:56)
-
Be careful not to get caught up in parenting. (50:00)
-
Be the parent your child needs at the moment; do not parent from a place of personal trauma. (50:31)
-
Free your children from your childhood struggles. (50:55)
Supporting Family Members with Addiction:
-
Before anything, look after yourself and prioritise your well-being. (51:54)
-
Josh shares his belief that the people closest to the person with addiction may not be the right people to help. (52:10)
-
Finding the right community can support healing. (52:17)
-
Remember that you can’t control and change others, but you can make healthy choices about yourself. (53:57)
-
When you’re a close contact of someone with an addiction, you’ve got work to do too. (54:17)
Resources mentioned in this episode:
-
The Mummas Village offers evidence-based antenatal and postnatal education both in person (Surrey, Hampshire and Berkshire) and via Zoom. Use the discount code MOTHERKIND and get 10% off when you sign up.
-
Learn tools to better support yourself and your children emotionally through the coronavirus pandemic. Join The Family Reset Plan workshop for a limited introductory price of £25. It’s FREE for all NHS Staff! Register today!
-
FREEBIES! Find out how you can take control of your life, reconnect to you and more! Download ‘10 Ways to Reconnect to You’ and our weekly and monthly check-in on Motherkind.co.
-
Are you ready to find freedom from guilt? Let me help you find Freedom from Perfectionism if you are a mother who has ever felt not quite enough.
About Josh
Josh Connolly is a coach, a speaker and one of the most influential advocates for mental health in the UK. He is a father of four children, and he speaks about his healing and parenting journey to inspire and empower other parents to become more self-aware, healthy and resilient.
To find out more about Josh, you can visit his website. You can also find him on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn and YouTube.