Ep. 84 Sarah Knight - How to stop saying yes when you mean no.

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It’s the Christmas season! We are always on the move, preparing for the next shopping trip or hopping from one gathering to another. More often than not, it is others who make us participate in these activities, and we feel compelled to say ‘yes’ all the time. And then, when things go awry, we blame ourselves in the end. We ask ourselves, ‘Is there a way to say “no” to all of these things?’

In this episode, we learn the answer to that question with the help of the international best-selling author of The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck, Sarah Knight. We are going to talk about how to be more forgiving of yourself and how to take back control of your own life. So, come and join us in today’s episode as we make you realise why saying ‘no’ and being a little selfish is a form of self-care.

You can download a full transcript of this week’s episode here.

As always, we continue the conversation over on Instagram, so once you’ve listened to the episode, come and join me there.

Key Takeaways From this Episode:

Inspiration for Writing Sarah’s New Book, F*ck No: How to Stop Saying Yes When You Can’t, You Shouldn’t or You Just Don’t Want To:

• F*ck No is the natural bookend to The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck. (4:42)

• After readers realise that it is okay to say ‘no’, the follow-up would be to teach them how to say ‘no’. (4:53)

• The new book teaches us that ‘no’ does not have to be nasty, cruel or rude. (5:03)

• The books are especially helpful for people-pleasers. (5:38)

• The flow of Sarah’s books ranges from wanting to say ‘no’ and allowing yourself to say it, to saying it and then healthily dealing with the guilt after saying it. (5:43)

Benefits of Saying ‘No’ More:

• Saying ‘no’ more addresses the idea of being overly-committed to something. (6:02)

• When Sarah started saying ‘no’ more, she experienced no negative consequences. (6:48)

• Saying ‘no’ more also helps us overcome the thought that saying ‘no’ is not okay when, in fact, saying it makes you feel better and liberates you. (6:52)

• It also deters people from pressuring others to do things or attend certain events. (7:50)

• Finally, it also helps us remember that we are not in a bubble of self-inflicted guilt and obligation. The person on the other end will probably understand. (8:14)

The Four Archetypes of People Who Keep Saying ‘Yes’:

• The People-Pleaser (8:57)

• The Overachiever (8:58)

  • People-pleasers and overachievers say ‘yes’ because they do not want to let people down. Deep inside, they think they are the only ones capable of doing the work competently. (9:55)

• The Pushover (9:00)

  • Pushovers say ‘yes’ because they do not like conflict, when, in fact, that is not the case when it comes to saying ‘no’. (10:12)

• The FOMO-er (9:02)

  • People with a fear of missing out are afraid of the consequences of not being able to show up at events. They let fear and regret rule them. (10:30)

• You can take four archetypes quiz in the book to identify what kind of a ‘yes-person’ you are. (10:52)

  • The quiz revealed a surprising mix of yes-people. (11:21)

  • There are fewer people who identified as pushovers. Like Theodore in Alvin and the Chipmunks, they do not perceive themselves as pushovers; hence, they cannot admit to being one. (11:37)

The Reasons Why We Say ‘Yes’ So Easily:

• People are generally conditioned to be accommodating, to be nice and to be helpful. (9:19)

• There is nothing wrong with saying ‘yes’ so frequently, but there is also nothing wrong with saying ‘no’ when that is what you mean. (9:47)

Types of Nos

• The ‘hard no’ does not necessarily have to be a rude and mean ‘no’ because it does not require a lot of reasons. You are not obligated to give the reasons behind your ‘I can’t’, ‘I shouldn’t’ and ‘I don’t want to’. (12:20)

• The ‘no for now’ means that you want to do something with and for other people. Sarah uses it when she wants to help out, but the timeline or approach of the activity does not agree with hers. (12:45)

  • ‘No for now’ is useful at work. Mothers invited to playdates can also use this when they do not want to alienate other parents or they are just swamped this week; however, they are inclined to spend time with such people to establish a relationship. (12:59)

  • ‘No for now’ is also good for people who are nervous about saying ‘no’. (13:24)

  • You can also say ‘no for now’ to people who only ask you to do something once or twice a year. (13:55)

• Sarah’s book presents a lot of ways to say ‘no’ in a non-confrontational manner. One of the benefits of saying ‘no’ is that it helps you to discover yourself and the people you are with. (14:05)

Saying ‘No’ and Walking Away:

• Be confident in saying ‘no’. When people push you to do things, you also have to push back by saying that you do not want to do it. (15:09)

Why Being Clear and Concise Is Important:

• People are often tempted to lie or embellish the truth in telling the reason why they cannot do something. (16:05)

• Lying only worsens the situation because you are forced to keep a mental calendar of the reasons you said for not coming and the real reasons you’re not coming. (16:12)

• The aftermath is that you always have to keep those things in mind every time you meet with or converse with the person who has invited you to something you do not want to do. (16:17)

• Sarah made it clear in her book that being comfortable in saying no is not enough. You also have to be comfortable in taking it as an answer. (16:29)

• Part of this idea is to be aware that saying ‘no’ is already a complete sentence in itself. You must accept the fact that you will hear it from other people too. (16:36)

• The more you put this into practice out into the world, the more others are going to mirror it back to you, which is going to be a good experience for all of us in the end. (16:47)

Dealing with Guilt:

• Identify whether your guilt is warranted or unwarranted. You should contemplate on whether what you are doing or ruminating over is completely bad or subjectively bad. (18:46)

• After identifying that your guilt is unwarranted, the next question to ask yourself is whether such guilt is purely self-imposed or is only the result of outside pressure. (19:18)

• Most people are already imposing guilt on themselves even if they had not said ‘no’ yet, well before somebody knows they are going to say no and gets to react to their ‘no’. They already feel extremely guilty at the mere thought of saying ‘no’. (19:29)

• Sarah’s advice is to ignore the whispers in your head and try to say ‘no’; 75% of the time, it is going to be fine, and only 25% of the time will people give you a hard time for saying it. (19:46)

• As Sarah mentioned in her book, if people do give you a hard time for saying ‘no’, the proper way to react is not to let yourself get tied up in the self-imposed guilt about it. When you know you are not doing anything wrong, you don’t need to feel guilty. (20:03)

Being Obligated vs Feeling Obligated:

• There is a section in Sarah’s book entitled, ‘Do I Really Have To?’ where she categorises obligations into ‘Must I?’, ‘Should I?’ or ‘Will I?’ When it comes to identifying ‘obligations’, everything should boil down into its essence as being a mere literal obligation, such as showing up for work. (21:31)

• All other things people think they have an obligation to perform, such as when it comes to family, turn out to be not actual obligations. In such cases, you have a choice. (21:55)

• Sometimes, obligation depends on your family’s dynamics and your relationship with these people. (22:06)

• Being selfish is okay as long as it helps you more than it hurts the other person. (22:48)

• Sarah has a flow chart of these things in her book, which will walk you through all these concepts and serve as a tool in making slightly thornier decisions based on these obligations. (23:43)

Who Has the Power to Make Decisions and How to Deal with Them:

• Having a conversation with a family member helps. (24:51)

• In Sarah’s book, you will learn that you get to decide what things are not worth it. You are allowed to decide that doing what you want, not doing what you want and not doing what you do not want are all perfectly fine ways to live your life. (25:21)

• You have to be comfortable being a person who says ‘no’, although you have to weather a bit of passive-aggressive commentary, a little bit of FOMO and getting over these things both in a professional and fun context. (25:34)

The Effects of Saying ‘No’ More and the Big Benefits Experienced by Readers:

• Sarah no longer takes too many responsibilities, and this made her a calmer and happier person. (26:32)

• She was able to prioritise her need for sleep and downtime. (27:03)

• It has helped people gain more confidence. (27:41)

How Sarah Dealt with Her Anxiety:

• Writing her book Calm the F*ck Down allowed her to ease her anxiety as she was able to deal with problem-solving. (29:53)

• Staying firm about her decisions and not worrying about them helped her a lot. (30:41)

Effects of Saying ‘No’ for Others:

• In terms of parenting, children must be modelled by their parent on how to say ‘no’, how to take ‘no’ for an answer and how to handle the consequences of saying it. Only then can a parent successfully raise a child capable of making a decision and standing by such a decision. (33:00)

• Sarah has little nephews and nieces, and her friends also have children. Whenever she says ‘no’ to these kids, they do not go running off because Sarah also explains why she is saying ‘no’ to them. (33:27)

• Sarah has this exercise in her book called ‘What Would Sarah Knight Do?’ which asks parents to say ‘no’ to their child in a very polite and honest way so that children may learn from them. (34:07)

• Children learn about boundaries from parents. (35:42)

Sarah’s Gift to All the Mothers in the World:

• Sarah would give them the gift of alone time. She believes all mums in the world deserve to have an hour to herself. (38:07)

About Sarah

Sarah Knight is a renowned editor based in Brooklyn and the Dominican Republic. She graduated from Harvard University and has worked for major publishing houses in New York. In her astounding career as an editor, Knight edited over 100 books. However, in 2015, she decided to leave her career and instead pursue her passion for writing. Thus, her No Fucks Given Guides came to be.

If you want to get in touch with Sarah, visit nofucksgivenguides.com for more details.