Ep. 117 - Is Happiness a Choice with Gelong Thubten

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The Motherkind Podcast · Ep. 117 - Is Happiness a Choice with Gelong Thubten

This week I’m speaking with Gelong Thubten, who is a meditation teacher and author of the fantastic book, ‘A Monk’s Guide to Happiness’.

Thubten was led to completely change his life after suffering from burnout in his early 20s. This led him to a Buddhist monastery in Scotland where he studied, and was ordained as a monk. Since then, Thubten has been sharing his wisdom worldwide and is a pioneer in mindfulness meditation.

Thubten has over 20 years worth of experience working with schools, universities and businesses, such as Google. He’s lectured at institutions like Oxford and the UN and, he worked as a consultant on the Marvel Movie, ‘Dr. Strange’.

In our conversation, we unpacked what happiness really is and we talked about how can we find freedom from our 'crazy minds'. We also talked about meditation, of course, and Thubten did a great job re-framing some of the resistance that we often feel towards meditation.

Thubten also gives guidance around how the practice can support our children and the way we show up as parents. I really loved our conversation, and hope you enjoy it too. As always, we continue the conversation over on Instagram, so do come and join us there.

You can download a transcript of this week’s episode here.

Key takeaway’s from this week’s episode:

Gelong Thubten’s Journey to Becoming a Monk:

• Despite having Buddhist parents, he never really thought about and knew what Buddhism was. (04:03)

• He went off the rails in his teens and became a party animal. This lifestyle continued after college when he was an actor in London and New York. (04:25)

• This extreme behaviour ultimately led to anxiousness, panic attacks and burnout when he was 21. (04:50)

• Thubten woke up one day, experiencing symptoms of a heart attack, which later turned out to be atrial fibrillation from stress-related matters. (05:13)

• That experience became a wake-up call for him. He decided to go to Kagyu Samye Ling Monastery in Scotland, which his friend recommended.  (05:53)

Becoming a Full-Fledged Monk:

• Thubten was struck by the idea of doing something radical and adventurous to change his life. (06:27)

• Since he was initially only going to stay for a year, it didn't feel like a massive commitment. He saw the monastery as a healthy place, and he felt good to be on the monk's vows. (06:40)

• Thubten kept extending his one-year periods in the monastery for three to four years before eventually deciding to be a full-fledged, lifelong monk. (07:06)

• He ended up loving the notion of meditating and giving back to the world. (07:37)

• While surprised, his parents were pleased with his decision. (09:03)

Defining Happiness:

• Happiness is a feeling; it’s a state of mind. (09:48)

• The problem today is we constantly externalise happiness. While true to a certain extent, this is often temporary. (09:55)

• From the meditation point of view, it is a direct experience of the mind. We can cultivate happiness by training our minds. (10:25)

• It's about becoming independent in that when something good happens, you feel great. But when things become difficult, you can remain positive against the odds. (12:19)

• Happiness is becoming freer from getting affected by our thoughts, emotions and life circumstances. It's about balancing up the mind. (12:38)

• Meditation is about tapping into the happiness that we have within. (13:06)

The Idea of Freedom:

• Our idea of freedom is living the life we want, expressing ourselves and following our philosophical views. (14:09)

• However, deep down, we’re like prisoners who don’t have much control over our thoughts and emotions. (14:34)

• The beauty of meditation is we’re learning how to free ourselves from being a prisoner of our minds. (15:15)

• Meditation is also about resolving and learning to accept yourself, which Thubten experienced in his solitary nine-month-long retreat. (16:46)

Finding Contentment & Peace:

• In modern times, our struggle with feelings of resentment, irritability and stress is heightened by the double-edged sword of technology. (20:18)

• Being physically and mentally busy increases our stress levels. In meditation, the negative emotions become the solution as we learn to work on them. (21:16)

• For Thubten, he found that depression and anxiety are what he needs to work on most. Working with those feelings requires nurturing, acceptance and compassion. (21:29)

• It’s all about sitting with your emotions in meditation and feeling them with awareness, without pushing them away. (22:29)

Understanding Bad Feelings:

• Thubten is now more self-accepting instead of hating himself for being messed up. He can worry and get stressed, but the negativity does not have much power on him like before. (25:09)

• Labelling our difficult emotions as bad turns them bad. (26:42)

Meditation & Parenting:

• There are many opportunities to lose your temper as a parent, but these are also opportunities for meditation. (28:54)

• Even mums and people with busy lifestyles can take 5 or 10 minutes of their day to meditate. (29:03)

• You can do micro-meditations or micro-moments of mindfulness in stressful situations. (29:26)

• Stressful moments can become opportunities for mind training. (30:12)

The Brain Chemistry Behind Meditation:

• The calm you get from meditation is accumulative. It builds up as you meditate every day. (30:58)

• Meditation is training yourself to be less in that fight or flight state. (31:13)

• The amygdala is the part of the brain that reacts to stress. It’s way too overactive in all of us that our bodies react the same way for stress even when we’re not in physical danger. (31:26)

• Meditation gets the amygdala to be less overreactive. (32:10)

The Stress State:

• You become oversensitive to things, and these feelings pile up. (33:27)

• Thubten says nowadays meditation has become almost like a matter of survival. (33:54)

• Using substances can make you feel better, but in the long run it makes the stress worse. (34:27)

• The solution lies in transforming your mind. (34:38)

Meditation Myths:

• One classic myth on meditation is that it’s about emptying your mind blank. (35:07)

• In reality, meditation is about changing your relationship with your thoughts. It’s a challenging process that’s why we need techniques like focusing on breathing. (35:48)

• The time spent for meditation and how you meditate are other myths that stop people, especially busy mums, from doing the practice. (37:42)

Finding Time to Meditate:

• Thubten says that it’s not a great idea to start with an hour. Instead, he recommends starting with 5 or 10 minutes because you’re more likely to do it every day. (38:07)

• You can delve into mindfulness on micro-moments throughout the day. (38:58)

• Listen to the full episode to hear Gelong Thubten’s recommendations and practical tips for meditation! (40:22)

• Meditation doesn’t have to be a certain way. You just have to be yourself. (46:58)

Reacting vs Responding to Heightened Emotions:

• Many of us often only react to life; it's not conscious. (49:39)

• On the other hand, responding is coming from a wise, compassionate place and making productive choices. (49:57)

Running Away & Helping Children Struggling with Feelings:

• Nowadays, schools are integrating mindfulness and emotional intelligence into their curriculum. (52:00)

• Despite the changes we’ve seen, there’s still a lot of work to do in the field of mental health. (52:51)

• Thubten wishes that these changes have been part of his upbringing. But he’s also glad that he learned the things he knew through his experiences because it made him stronger. (52:58)

Resources mentioned in this episode:

• A Monk’s Guide To Happiness by Gelong Thubten

• Learn tools to better support yourself and your children emotionally through the coronavirus pandemic. Join The Family Reset Plan workshop for a limited introductory price of £25. It’s FREE for all NHS Staff! Register today!

• FREEBIES! Find out how you can take control of your life, reconnect to you, and more! Download ‘10 Ways to Reconnect to You’ and our weekly and monthly check-in on Motherkind.co.

• Are you ready to find freedom from guilt? Let me help you find Freedom from Perfectionism if you are a mother who has ever felt not quite enough.

About Gelong Thubten

Gelong Thubten is a Buddhist monk. He is a meditation teacher and a pioneer in mindfulness meditation, with 20 years of experience teaching in schools, businesses, hospitals and counselling centres. Thubten is also the author of A Monk’s Guide To Happiness.

From being an actor, he transitioned into becoming a Tibetan Buddhist monk after suffering a huge burnout. Thubten was also the person behind the meditation training of the actors on Marvel's Doctor Strange.

You can reach Gelong Thubten through his website, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.