Ep. 118 - How to Begin Your Healing with Susy O'Hare

HealingMental Health
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I’m excited to share this week’s conversation with you. I’m speaking with Susy O’Hare, who is an author, a meditation teacher and a mother to three, very soon to be four, children. 

Susy’s first book is called ‘Diary of an ADHD Mum’ and since then, her work has expanded to talk about the huge importance of healing ourselves, instead of trying to ‘fix’ our children. 

Susy and I both believe this is the most profound way to raise our children – and we have a really deep conversation around this topic. We talk about allowing ourselves to understand that our children are our mirror, reflecting back the work we need to do on ourselves.

Susy shares her wisdom from a very grounded, down-to-earth place. She’s a busy working mum and life hasn’t always looked this way for her. Susy shares her own traumas and how she felt she got her parenting ‘wrong’ for a long time, until the gift of her daughter arrived which was the start of her healing journey.

I think you’ll find this a really inspiring conversation. As always, we continue the conversation over on Instagram, so do come and join us there.

You can download a transcript of this week’s episode here.

Key takeaway’s from this week’s episode:

Looking Inside Ourselves:

  • Susy struggled to parent her 13-year-old daughter. She consulted different experts to fix her daughter and make her fit in. (05:10)

  • When her daughter was 8 years old, Susy realised that her daughter was mirroring her. (05:52)

  • Mirroring is how some children are intrinsically linked to their parent’s emotions. (06:35)

  • When she started to work on healing herself, her child also started to calm down. Her husband noted that the problem is not with their daughter, but it’s probably with her. (06:59)

Unravelling the Pain of the Past:

  • Susy watched the documentary In Utero. It talked about epigenetics, which studies how not only DNA but also parents’ emotions are passed on to the baby. (08:10)

  • Looking back, she realised so many things were going on at the time of her daughter’s conception. (09:06)

  • There is a generational pattern in mental health issues. Susy realised that she had to break it and change their future lineage. (10:06)

Unpacking the Trauma:

  • There is no clear path to unpacking the trauma, so she decided to try different healing modalities. Listen to the full episode to learn how these worked for her! (11:41)

  • She also noticed that she has a lot of anxiety and starts to disconnect with herself during her period. During this time, she journals a lot and meditates to work on her mother wounds. (12:24)

  • She has found a way to shake everything off and form a real connection with herself. (13:53)

What Caused the Disconnection:

  • Susy was petrified thinking that she will be like her mother, who was an alcoholic. She thought she was a failure when she’d done anything remotely silly. (14:51)

  • She formed no real love or connection with her mother and always asks for her mother’s approval. (16:04)

  • She skipped over her pain and anger, jumping straight to love and compassion for her mum. (17:07)

  • Spiritual bypassing did not allow her to honour her pain and anger, which was mirrored by her child. (17:22)

How Susy Released Her Anger:

  • Her daughter Daisy, who was always calm and peaceful, went through bouts of anger. (19:23)

  • Susy realised that she needed to address her own anger to help Daisy with her emotions. (19:47)

  • She came face to face with her traumatic memories, which helped decrease her daughter’s anger. (21:00)

  • Breathwork, a conscious connection of breath, helped her eliminate so much childhood trauma. (21:19)

Resistance About the Idea of Connection:

  • It’s okay for parents to be triggered when they hear about prioritising connection over old school parenting. This means something is awakening inside them. (27:16)

  • Stop and disconnect from trying to fix your child and work on yourself instead. (28:20)

  • If you are not ready to accept the idea, you will end up projecting your triggers onto the people who are suggesting that you connect with your child. (28:59)

  • Triggers are guides. If your child triggers you, there is something within you that needs to be addressed and released. (29:31)

Susy’s Version of Success for Her Children:

  • Susy wishes for her children to be who they are supposed to be in life. (33:06)

  • It’s about what her children want to do, encouraging them and letting them enjoy life. (33:40)

  • Being present with her children and having a connection are far more crucial than just running through life. (34:21)

  • Children are perfect just as they are; there is no fixing to be done. (34:49)

  • The parts of you trying to fix your children are the same parts you need to work on to heal yourself. (35:01)

Letting Go of Labels:

  • Her daughter was diagnosed with anxiety, oppositional defiant disorder and ADHD at the age of 6. (38:12)

  • Susy herself was diagnosed with ADHD and premenstrual dysphoric disorder. (38:24)

  • She expresses that labels can be confining and suffocating. (38:34)

  • Move away from labels and see your child as a person, not as a diagnosis. (39:50)

How Her Daughter Is Today:

  • Susy suggested to her daughter’s teacher to allow her daughter to get brain breaks, which has immensely helped her school performance. (41:01)

  • Parenting her daughter is challenging because Daisy has no fear. However, taking the fear out of parenting has immensely helped her. (42:07)

  • Because Susy does not think something is wrong with her daughter, it also takes away the chances of Daisy internalising this sentiment as her inner voice (42:52)

Healing Is a Journey:

  • Healing is an ongoing journey, and it is part of self-care. (43:30)

  • She thinks their family has probably done some damage to her daughter because they incorrectly parented her for so long. (44:31)

  • She focuses on helping, guiding and being honest with her daughter. (44:50)

  • Trauma is passed when we get triggered, unconsciously repeat the same things and shut ourselves down. When you work on healing yourself, your child’s experience will be different. (47:07)

Where We Stand in Parenting:

  • It’s not going to work if you keep trying to fix your child without working on yourself. (48:54)

  • Susy has been sharing her message, and she is thankful that it has been well-received. (49:25)

Resources mentioned in this episode:

About Susy

Susy O’Hare is an author, meditation teacher and speaker. From writing Diary of an ADHD Mum, her work has now expanded to talk about the importance of healing ourselves as a profound way of raising our children. She also talks about how healing trauma changed the dynamic between her and her family.

Find out more about Susy through her website, Facebook and Instagram.

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